Thought 4 the Day

We've moved

2011-01-13T15:06:00.000Z

T4td has now moved to its new home at t42day.co.uk

So stop hanging around here and go there now.

South Park Mac vs. PC

2007-05-26T21:37:00.001Z

Suspended

2007-05-23T18:15:00.000Z

The service from T4td has been temporarily suspended whilst we face an aggressive takeover bid from a party of elderly English professors who are hell bent on spending their retirement in reeking havoc on all the people who didn't buy their academically respected but largely ignored work on the obscure poets of the lower mezzanine era, i.e. the entire human civilisation, which they hope to bring to its knees through the medium of the internet.

We thank you for your custom and your patience at this difficult time.

Posting will resume once we have amassed a suitably large number of comments, because it's our ball and anyway, we've got to go in for our tea.

Sincerely,
T4td.
We're not behind you just now.

Please spare a moment to comment on this post. Lives depend on it.
T4td.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-05-22T19:59:00.000Z

The latest T4td Sale - large quantity of charcoal - suitable for that Summer barbecue.

Made from high quality oak.

Previously known as the Cutty Sark.

Relive your maritime heritage whilst burning your sausages.

And for that perfect party venue, why not hire the mother of all gazebo's, previously known as the Millennium Dome. For an extra fee, we'll even paint the roof in green stripes.

And for our trans-Atlantic readers, who may not have understood a word of this, here is some music whilst you wait for a cutting remark about how stupid George Bush is.
Thank you for travelling with T4td.

Sincerely,
T4td
Fastening your seatbelt.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-05-21T18:26:00.000Z

Previous signs you take life way too seriously (it's a link - just click it).

Chapter 2 - Family.

10.

You and your partner have decided to have separate relationship counsellors.

More Yngooia next Monday.
Or, for your convenience, click here to subscribe to our splendid Feed.

Sincerely,
T4td
Keep us in mind.

Oh, and another thing - if you enjoy T4td, please tell your friends and we'll send you a nice biscuit - not a custard cream or a rich tea - but a really, really good biscuit, individually wrapped in gold paper and which we were actually saving in case someone really extra especially nice came round but they never did and now we've forgotten how long it's been there but don't worry because it isn't past its sell-by date and anyway, this is one of the things that makes us British.
T4td.

Celebrity Friday - Lara Croft Arrested

2007-05-18T15:50:00.000Z

Lara Croft arrested in the UK by those fun guys we call the British Police. Follow this link to watch the full story on the BBC website.

A post as short as possible.

2007-05-17T19:36:00.000Z

We found this Dear Reader

2007-05-16T17:12:00.000Z

and thought of you.

It speaks for itself, but if you really, really want to send in a caption, then we shall read it carefully before passing your name to an appropriate therapist.

But we might also give full credit to the sender of the most satirical entry.

Give it a go.

Sincerely,
T4td.
Speaking a thousand words
charging for fifteen hundred.

Ninja Warrior: Makoto Nagano

2007-05-15T12:52:00.001Z

Welcome to T4td's new early morning regime - compulsory for all the staff. Even senior management - although they are expected to delegate the difficult bits and just turn up to press the button at the end.

You'll Never get Out of it Alive

2007-05-14T19:28:00.000Z

Previous signs you take life way too seriously (it's a link - just click it).

Chapter 2 - Family.

9.

You are fond of reminding everyone that everything has an allocated place to 'live'.
Especially in the wake of one of your frenzied three day re-organizations.

More Yngooia next Monday.
Or, for your convenience, click here to subscribe to our splendid Feed.

Sincerely,
T4td
Keep us in mind.

Celebrity Friday

2007-05-11T18:41:00.000Z

Today, Celebrity Friday is unwell.

In other words, it's in rehab.

Unfortunately, CF became addicted to aphorisms. It's condition worsened until it finally collapsed into a messy cliche, muttering something about rumours of its demise.

We wish CF well in its efforts to recover, and would like to remind it that any attempt at claiming an allowance for its dizzyingly expensive rehab treatment will be met with a visit from our Extreme Accounting Dept. and their hungry polecats.

Sincerely,
T4td
We're behind you.

Position Sought

2007-05-10T19:58:00.000Z

Retired gentleman seeks employment in an advisory role. The position must come be 'live in', preferably in London. Salary must be extremely large and have a number of perks, including, but not limited to, free international air travel, car allowance, personal security, and occasional backhanders from people who'd like to be lords.

Please get in touch via T4td.

Thank you.
Tony.

p.s.
People of Scottish origin need not apply.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-05-09T19:36:00.000Z

caveat emptor A latin phrase meaning 'Let the buyer beware'.

For example, a second hand car salesman will happily sell you a creaking deathtrap, safe in the knowledge that you should have asked these specific questions:

When you assure me that the car has air-conditioning, does it chill the incoming air, or do you actually mean that one of the windows actually opens?
When you use the phrase 'custom edition', do you actually mean that this car has been made by welding several others together?
Is the stain in the boot (trunk) from a bottle of cola, or is it the result of this vehicle being used to carry a recently murdered member of the organised crime fraternity?

Happy shopping.

Sincerely,
T4td
Doing it to them before they do it to us.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-05-08T20:19:00.000Z

So the Irish are all friends now are they?

Republicans and loyalists shake hands, laugh at each others' jokes and pop round each others' houses for tea and a nice piece of fruit cake.

Perhaps, at this point, it's edifying to study the school playground.

Remember that horrible kid you went to school with? He wasn't the one who just came up and thumped you. No. He was so much more devious. He told you he was your best friend. He told you his secrets and learned yours. He came round your house and was polite to your mother.

And then, one day, just because he felt like it, he turned on you. He told everyone your secrets (and it turned out his had been fake). He told everyone embarrassing facts about your household. He suggested terrible things about your mother. And when he'd gained enough credibility with his jeering audience, he even made up a few more embarrassments for good measure.

Yeah, that kid. He was a real psycho wasn't he?

I wonder what he's doing now.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
T4td.
We're behind you.

Please note:
T4td accepts no responsibility for childhood flashbacks you experience as a result of reading this post. Similarly, we cannot be held responsible for any nightmares, thumb-sucking or bed-wetting you may fall victim to.

Just pull yourself together - you big cissy.
T4td.
Leaving the light on.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-05-07T19:51:00.000Z

Previous signs you take life way too seriously (it's a link - just click it).

Chapter 2 - Family.

8.

Every January, you buy birthday cards for everyone you know. You spend all day writing them and addressing and labelling the envelopes with posting dates. As you put them away in a safe place, you find a large, and identical, pile of envelopes that you carefully put away last January.

More Yngooia next Monday.
Or, for your convenience, click here to subscribe to our splendid Feed.

Sincerely,
T4td
Keep us in mind.

Celebrity Friday

2007-05-04T15:29:00.000Z

Today's Celebrity Friday continues our 'Meet the Team' theme.

We are proud to introduce Edwin. Edwin is a General Manager:

Hi there. I'm Edwin, we're not formal here, no need to call me sir, but 'The Boss' or 'Governor' will do very nicely. Not that we'll be involved in much one-to-one interfacing, unless you give me cause for concern. But you're not going to do that are you - give me cause for concern? Come in early, leave late and whilst you're here, work hard. And also, wearing a short skirt wouldn't do any harm. OK. Now , let's throw a couple of ideas at the concept wall and see if any of them stick.

Right.
I'll get some in a minute.
I'm a whizz at ideas. Quite an ideas man.

A creative whirlpool of erm, creativity.

OK. This paradigm isn't firming up for me so I'll toss it onto the back burner and we'll pencil in a conference call for next month.

So that's that dealt with. God I'm good. Anyway, here's a joke I heard recently:

A sales rep at a luxury hotel, an admin assistant and

the general manager

are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

hey rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first, me first,” says the admin assistant.

“I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat without a care in the world.” Puff, she’s gone

The sales manager says, “Me next, me next—

I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and

the love of my life.”

Puff, she’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the GM.

He says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Ciao.

That was Edwin.

Have a nice weekend.

Sincerely,

T4td

We're behind you.

Meet the New Group

2007-05-03T17:57:00.000Z

T4td is proud to announce the opening of a new Google Group...

Biting Satire.

We would be interested to hear from any T4td readers who claim to have an active interest in satire and would like to be in our gang/come out to play/stay for tea.

Just contact us via email or a comment to this post and make sure you leave a link to your satirical site. We'll then visit your site, find your email address and invite you to join the group. Then we can all start uploading and sharing and the whole thing will evolve beautifully/come crashing down around our ears in an ugly e-mess.

People who claim to have a good sense of humour need not apply - just go back to your dating sites and mind your own business.

Today's humorous content follows:

Q. Friction - where would we be without it?
A. Somewhere else.

Sincerely,
T4td
No strait jacket required.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-05-02T19:52:00.000Z

Catch up with the rest of this series here.

Today's IYWP word is Kismet.

It comes from a Turkish or Arabic word and literally means fate or destiny.

When spoken with gritted teeth and a throbbing vein at the temple (the one on your head, not the building) it translates better as:

Damn damn damn damn damn it was bound to happen anyway but damn damn damn it all the same.

Use this phrase to vent stress at work without getting fired, or in public places - preferably after just scratching your new car by reversing into a sturdy wall - to show your feelings without punching that man walking by with a smug grin on his stupid face.

So there you are - T4td better than being arrested.

Those of you who like historical trivia (please see our You'll Never get Out of it Alive series), might like to know that some people believe Lord Nelson, fatally wounded at the Battle of Trafalgar just as he was really starting to enjoy himself, never said, 'Kiss me Hardy,' but actually uttered, 'Kismet Hardy.'

Other authorities insist though, that Nelson went on to say, 'you look so damn sexy in those breeches.' Who knows? Perhaps 'Hardy' was only a nickname .

Add us to your favourites - we've given you enough buttons.
Then you can come back to T4td tomorrow for more of some things and less of others.

See you then.
Sincerely,
T4td
Pressing your button.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-05-01T18:31:00.000Z

May day in London, T4td observes, is no longer a day of riotous anti-somethingorother demonstrations.

Instead, according to the BBC, demonstrators have become so anti-everything, that they've actually become pro-humour.

A man stood in silence holding a blank placard.

Apparently, he hopes to repeat the exercise next year and call it art.

Perhaps he'll be awarded a grant.

At T4td we did toy with the idea of placing a blank post today, but then, you wouldn't have known what we we're doing and you'd probably assume that Blogger was playing up.

Instead, we'd like to stage our own protest.

Join with us now.

Say it loud:

Bring Back Protests!

Otherwise we might as well all go around just shrugging our shoulders and saying, 'Oh well, never mind, that's life,' about everything, and that is dangerously close to becoming French.

Stand firm readers. Accept no substitute.

Sincerely,
T4td
United we stand, divided we sit down for a nice hot drink.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-04-30T19:29:00.000Z

Sure signs you take life way too seriously.

Previously on You'll Never Get Out of it Alive...
To catch up on any episodes you've missed, use this link.

Chapter 2 - Family

7.

You send weekly email bulletins to your family, to inform them of your plans and whereabouts at all times.

Of course, you have to stick to these plans rigidly.

Which is why you spent today learning Japanese whilst climbing a medium-sized mountain.

More Yngooia next week.
Almost Topical Tuesday tomorrow, providing something topical almost happens.

Sincerely,
T4td
Tapping progress on the shoulder and saying, 'Get the hell out of the way.'

Post 101

2007-04-30T19:20:00.000Z

100 Thoughts 4 the Day have now been posted.

Which makes this an ideal opportunity to increase the membership fee for T4td.

From now on, thinking any of our thoughts will incur an increased charge ranging, depending on global economic variations, exchange rates and your income, from somewhere in the region of 'Ouch! That's expensive' to 'Oh no my wife/husband/partner/bank manager is going to kill me.'

We hope that you find it reassuring to discover that everyone else is in the same boat, even though said boat is sinking at an alarming rate, you've only got a sieve to bail it out, and there are several objects in the water that look suspiciously like the dorsal fins of great white sharks.

Monday's Yngooia follows shortly.

Thank you.

T4td
We're all in it together - well you are anyway.

Missing

2007-04-29T15:33:00.000Z

Our regular readers may have noticed that last Friday's edition of Celebrity Friday has gone missing.

It seems that this post has escaped, we mean 'run away', from T4td whilst the balance of its mind was disturbed.

If you find this missing post, please inform the authorities here at T4td.

Members of the blogging public (blublic? Blogublic?) are advised not to approach or confront this post in any way, since satire has been known to bite.

We will endeavour to return to normal service as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here is some music.

Thank you.
Sincerely,

T4td
We're behind everyone.
ps.
You didn't really think we'd pay out for real music did you?

What do you want?

2007-04-26T19:54:00.000Z

No, not that.

We all want that.

We mean, what do you want from T4td?

This is a unique opportunity to express a few opinions about us.
Normally, such suggestions might result in an almost instantaneous visit from one of our Dissatisfied Customer Care teams. If you're dissatisfied, they take care of you.

But on this occasion, we're keeping those particular operatives under lock and key. And under sedation. And making sure the straps are especially tight. And checking they haven't chewed through their muzzles again (kevlar just isn't what it used to be).

So let us have it.
What do you like or dislike?
What would you like to see more of?
We've just changed the widgets - are they any good?
We've put the T4td blidget back - now you can take T4td away with you.

Please leave us a comment.
We'll show our appreciation for useful comments by linking to you in a future post.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
T4td
We're listening to your thoughts.

An experiment

2007-04-25T19:54:00.000Z

T4td, ever the patron of the hopeless cause, is participating in Hammer's attempt to get himself listed the world's smartest man. We wish him well because the world needs a few smart people, even if only in an ironic sense (US translation: ironic='go figure').

We hope that our participation in this experiment does no offend any purist blog readers, i.e.the people who regard a cheery 'Good morning' as some sort of underhand spamming.

If you are one of those people, we'd like to draw your attention to our You'll Never Get Out of it Alive series, which is here, even though you probably won't understand that it's meant to be humorous.

Please don't feel any obligation to click on the above link.

Sincerely,
T4td
Just for the hell.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-04-25T19:26:00.000Z

Previously on Increase Your Watercooler Power...
If you're a newcomer, this link will help you catch up.

Because there will be a test afterwards.

This week, we will look at the language of appraisals and how to interpret them.

The real meanings of each phrase are given in italics.

How do you think you're doing?

You have absolutely no idea of the amount of trouble you're in have you?

What do you regard as your weaknesses?

I know exactly what your weaknesses are, but just for fun, see how many of them you can guess. It should be easy - it's a LONG list.

What have been your most significant achievements this year?
And no, I'm not referring to the fact that you hold the office record for most time spent downloading porn.

What opportunities for professional development could we offer you?

Because it would be nice if you could do at least ONE damn thing properly.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?
And if you if you even THINK about saying, 'In your job Sir,' I won't be responsible for my actions.

What do you hope to achieve in the future?
And by 'future' I mean the next hour or so, because after that, I have a vision of you holding your personal possessions in a cardboard box.

We trust that this small selection will assist you in your future appraisals - if you make it that far.

Sincerely,
T4td
Thinking outside the envelope - to avoid the cost of a stamp.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-04-24T19:58:00.000Z

Saddened at the death of Boris Yeltsin?

Wondering how to celebrate the passing of one of the World's most influential leaders?

Or just fancy a damn good party?

Then let T4td bring you a new product sensation...

The Boris Yeltsin All-in-one Wake Kit!

Each kit comes complete with:

Vodka - 2 cases of 12 extra large bottles, industrial strength (see note 1)

Shot glasses - 1 box of 100, single-use, EasySmash Glass(TM)

Replica Fireplace kit - made from sturdy fibreglass, to throw empty glasses at (see note 2)

Stirring Russian Music - 5 CD's featuring all the great military anthems (see note 3)

Conductor's Baton - flexible yet strong enough to withstand a friendly tussle over who gets to wave it.

Notes:
1) The warning label on the vodka is for joke/novelty value - of course the vodka is intended for human consumption, otherwise we wouldn't sell it to you.

2) Not an actual fireplace so not suitable for any heating purpose. What are you - some kind of idiot?

3) CD's 3 and 5 are the same, but by the time you get to them you won't notice or care and in fact, your hearing may have become permanently damaged anyway.

Enjoy the wake - it may turn out to be your own.

NB.
T4td will not be held responsible for any consequences arising from the use of your wake kit, particularly, though not limited to, any rebellions you crush, wars you start, gangsters you reward or evil spies that you place in power.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
T4td
We're one step ahead at keeping behind you.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-04-23T19:28:00.000Z

Sure signs you take life way too seriously.

Previously on You'll Never Get Out of it Alive...
To catch up on any episodes you've missed, use this link.

Chapter 2 - Family

6.

Your children have both of your middle names,
plus at least two more, taken from unsung military heroes -

of the Byzantine Empire.

There is some teasing at school,

especially for the girls,

but that sort of thing never did you any harm did it?

Come back next Monday for more signs you take life way too seriously.

Tomorrow will be Almost Topical Tuesday.

And after that, who knows what will happen?

We sure as hell don't.

But don't lie awake worrying about that.
Just click on this link to subscribe to our feed from those lovely people at Feedburner.

And then you can lie awake at night worrying about something else.

Like that noise you just heard.

And no, it wasn't a cat. That's just in the movies.

Sleep tight.

Sincerely,
T4td
With us, you're never alone - ever.

Black Books - Bernard's Letter

2007-04-20T20:46:00.001Z

Aspiring writers - watch this.

Celebrity Friday

2007-04-20T19:35:00.000Z

After last weeks little debacle (see here), which we can only put down to it being Friday the 13th, we would like to assure our readers that the management team at T4td are seriously medicated - sorry, we meant 'dedicated' - and are not in the habit of bunking off early on a Friday, going to the pub and not coming back. To which we'd like to add... er, no ice thanks, I prefer it neat... to which we'd like to add our sincere... no, no lemon either... to add our heart-felt... oh, hang on, get us a packet of peanuts, no, I hate dry roasted I don't know what that brown dusty coating is but I have my suspicions it comes from the rancid nether regions of a scabies-ridden yak... to add our half-felt, we mean half-full, no hateful, no, we erm, oh bugger it. Now we'll have to start all over again.

Or just give up.

Today's celebrity is this guy sitting right next to me. He does something with advertising back at the office. I don't know what exactly, but it's something to do with having lunch. Anyway, he's my best friend he is, my bestest friend in the whole world an I love him. I do. Even when he had a go at my girlfriend behind my back at that party. Yes, I did know about that. You should see his face. But I forgave him. I did. And, to be fair, he never even told my wife about it. That's being a mate that is. Here's his thought:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he'll teach everyone else and they'll settle down and have families and carry on fishing and fishing until there's no fish left, and then they'll all be in trouble. Stands to reason.

That was a thought from my friend Chris from the advertising department.

You what? You're called Tony? And you work where? In the fish market?

Oh dear.

I suppose it's too late to start again. I'll just have one more drink, then I'll have another crack at it.

T4td
Making it a large one.

Spurious Statistics

2007-04-19T20:24:00.000Z

New studies involving a cross section of society, have shown the following:

78% people believe that statistics are only 34% reliable

43% of people believe that 72% of statistics are between 67% and 87.05% reliable

whilst the remaining 13% of people are completely innumerate.

Government targets aim to improve numeracy within 3 years or by 2012, whichever is sooner.

Please remember, Spurious Statistics is only an occasional series, but you can read all of them from this link.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-04-18T19:56:00.000Z

Ever read Per pro at the bottom of a letter or memo?

As I'm sure you know, you get this when someone has signed the letter on someone's behalf. But read on - this does get more interesting. And quite funny too.

It's an abbreviation of the Latin phrase per procurationem.

Keep going - that wasn't the funny bit.

Literally, it means 'by proxy', but in the world of modern business it has come to have several other subtle meanings:

1 - The boss is away - at last - and although I'm only his deputy, I'm going to have some fun throwing my weight around, settling old scores, empire building and generally making everyone else's lives a complete misery.

2 - I want to tell you something, but you're not important enough for me to bother signing this letter myself so I got my over-keen deputy to do it.

3 - This letter contains something contentious and it could spark a major row, so I'd like to distance myself from it, cover my back and let my dumb deputy take the fall if things go wrong.

4 - A particularly unpleasant combination of all of the above.

More Iywp next week.

If you're a Johny come lately, why not use the link in the box at the top of this page to find the whole series?

T4td will be back tomorrow with what you could call 'Normal Thursday', but we'd rather you didn't.

Sincerely,
T4td
Thinking outside the box from the inside.

Almost Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-04-17T19:25:00.000Z

It's hard to write this post today whilst surrounded by news of the senseless shooting of students in the US.

It seems all the harder to bear when we realise that we've seen such scenes before.

Just one thought, along with our sympathies for any US citizens reading this - you'll never get the guns off your streets until you get them out of your homes.

I know you have your Constitution, and many of its aims are laudable. It was also, like all laws, a product of its time. In the UK, we once had laws to the effect that whistling on a Sunday would result in the transportation of the guilty party to a harsh existence in the penal colonies of Australia.

The Constitution did not prevent slavery. It did not prevent years of racial prejudice. It has not prevented a number of dubious international interventions.

Whatever its good points, it contains an error.

No-one has a right to carry a murderous weapon. No-one. And that is a truth that citizens of the World should hold as self-evident.

Having said that, it is impossible to go on with any attempt at humour. Sorry if this disappoints any reader who was hoping for something to lighten their mood.

We will be back on track tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-04-16T19:58:00.000Z

Signs you take life way too seriously.

Chapter 2 - Family.

5.

You have drawn up a colour-coded rota for the bathroom and you refuse to use it at any other time.

Now, whenever you see your colour (red) you get the uncontrollable urge to urinate - which has led to some testing times when stuck at traffic lights.

More Yngooia next week.

Come back tomorrow for Almost Topical Tuesday.

Or even better, click on one of our fancy bookmark buttons at the bottom of the post to gain instant enlightenment, world peace and fresh breath confidence.

Sincerely,
T4td
We're all in it together, which is why there isn't much room.

Celebrity Friday

2007-04-13T19:30:00.000Z

It's Celebrity Friday time again.

And wow, we've got a really amaz...

Hello.

There's no-one here.

They've all gone out to lunch.

And that was more than eight hours ago.

Management eh?

They turn up late, they don't do any work when they get here, then they take the afternoon off.

Not like me. I'm only a cleaner. I'm lucky if I get five minutes peace and a round of cheese and pickle.

And I reckon I'm cleverer than the lot of them put together. They just had the lucky breaks, the rich mummies and daddies, the private schools, the regular meals.

And here's me on minimum wage. Well I reckon there's nothing to this though t for the day lark. Here's mine:

When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.

Plato

And they said that doctorate in philosophy would never come in useful.

Sincerely,
Arnold
The cleaner at T4td.

Open Source

2007-04-12T19:45:00.000Z

Here at T4td, some of us are having a little lie down. And a drink. And a couple of sedatives.

Yes, we know you're not meant to mix them, but we've had a bit of an upset.

We've had a rather distressing email from one our techie, erm, people - I suppose they are people aren't they? It's hard to tell. When they've been in the R&D department for a while, they all end up looking the same - pale skin, tangled facial hair, shifty eyes, haunted look, strange tattoos that look suspiciously like bar-codes.

Bless them. It's the darkness that does it to them. We jokingly refer to their little den as 'the hole', but they like it that way. Well, we think they do. We haven't really asked them. But then, once they've been there for a week or two, they do seem to lose the power of speech. They can tap away on the keyboard all day and all night, but meet them in the flesh and they, rather annoyingly, pretend they can't see you.

Anyway, this techie person has introduced us to something called 'open source'. Apparently, it's... it's... free. Yes, we thought it was a joke at first. But no. Some deranged people out there are going to all the time and expense and trouble and expense and... more expense of making products with the express intention of giving them away.

Why?
Why, for the love of profit would you want to go and do a thing like that?

And to make matters worse, it seems that this free stuff isn't the usual crap that gets given away as free gifts. Not only does it work, but it actually works better than the stuff people pay for.

It's un-capitalist, un-democratic, un-American, and un-derhand.

It must be stopped or society and civilisation will crumble around our ears.

Do not use these open source products. There are much better alternatives. They may not work properly, but they do allow you to show off your wealth and that's got to be worth paying for.

In summary, our thought 4 today is:

A little free advice is worth exactly what it costs.

See you for Celebrity Friday tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td
You pay as we go.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-04-11T20:07:00.000Z

Today we're taking a look at synonyms.

Synonyms, are words that have the same meaning. Groups of such words are said to be synonymous. A useful watercooler example might be, "Hey, you know that new manager? I hear his name is synonymous with sleaze-bag.'

Here are some more edifying examples, sent in to us by a Mr. Bush.

What do these words have in common:

defence,
policing action,
peace keeping,
covert operation,
dark op,
intervention,
interdict,
insertion,
extraction,
regime change,
military advisers,
tactical strike,
surgical strike,
shock and awe,
elimination,
military aid,
military action,
conflict?

That's right, they're all synonyms for 'War'. But strangely, none of these words refer to fighting, killing or death on a massive scale. It's almost as though someone is trying to stop us thinking about those unpleasant things, so that we'll agree to go along with their plans.

Surely not.

Until tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td
Thought to the power of ten.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-04-10T19:48:00.000Z

So, the British Navy personnel have been returned by Iran.
They would've liked to keep them, but you know how it is - you get something home and play with it a bit and it turns out not to be quite as much fun as you thought it was going to be. Apparently, they thought all British people were some kind of hybrid of Mr. Bean and Benny Hill. But even after many hours of interrogation, the hostages couldn't do any funny voices and they weren't even remotely accident-prone.

The Iranian Navy is now under strict orders to find an American vessel, preferably crewed by Bob Hope and Bing Crosby.

If any officials of the US military are reading, please take this threat seriously. It may seem churlish to suggest that a major diplomatic crisis (US Govt. translation: 'war') could be triggered by a bunch of guys in desperate need of a good laugh, but if you have you seen Arab TV, you'll take my point.

More ATT next week.
Tomorrow, there'll be something else.

Sincerely,
T4td.
No news is too old.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-04-09T18:49:00.000Z

Signs you take life way too seriously.

Chapter 2 - Family

4.

You call regular 'Family Conferences' to discuss vital issues, such as the correct use of the soap dish and... well, to be honest, it's just the soap dish. You are the only one who turns up to these meetings. You are certain of this because you've checked the minutes.

Come back for more Yngooia next Monday.
And don't forget Almost Topical Tuesday tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td.
We're here so you don't have to be.

Celebrity Friday

2007-04-06T19:31:00.000Z

This week, we thought we'd continue our theme of 'meet the team'.

We proudly present...

Malcolm.

Malcolm is our technical support erm, guy. Here is his thought:

Hey, guess what. I've just downloaded a free trial of a program that automatically downloads free trial versions of other programs. I've now got 200 gigs of stuff on the company's server - and that's just the zip files. I've got some stuff I've always wanted, and loads of stuff that I can't even remember what it's for. Dude - I've gotta get me some extra strength caffeine tablets because I'm gonna be here all night installing things and typing in passwords. Wow. I've just realised, I'd better be quick because all this stuff only works for 30 days. But hey, I can always do it all over again. What a rush.

Wait a minute. Some guy's hassling me about the contrast on his monitor. So, here's my thought for today:

If it ain't broke, don't fix it,
But if it is broke, just turn it off and on again.
Never fails.

BTW - don't mention to anyone about the downloading thing. I'm not really supposed to do that. I think it's some sort of dismissible offence. So keep it quiet - OK?

At this point, Malcolm was escorted to our staff training area for some therapeutic treatment involving some snakes, a pit-bull terrier and some dangling. He won't be dismissed though, since, despite his foibles, he really is a very good technical support guy.

Sincerely,
T4td
Who dares, gets found out and punished.

Crisis

2007-04-05T20:28:00.000Z

Are you worried about your mid-life crisis?

Perhaps you're worried that you're about to have one.

Or perhaps you're worried because you had it so long ago, you've forgotten what it was like.

Maybe you're looking forward to it, and you're just worried that you might miss it.

This is where T4td can help.

We recommend that you have a crisis every year.

For a nominal fee (and a crippling surcharge) we can provide you with a mid-life crisis this year and every year. To remove the stressful element of surprise, the crisis will occur on the same day every year - just before your birthday. That way, you get to buy yourself extravagant birthday presents and everyone else will nod and smile and put up with it. Similarly, your birthday is an excellent opportunity to take up strange new hobbies and pursuits - particularly if they require specialised clothing and expensive equipment.

For an extra fee, we can provide the 'Extreme Crisis Package', for which you receive adverts from au pair agencies, sales literature from sports car manufacturers and cosmetic surgeons, and a selection of, quite frankly filthy text messages which appear to be from younger and extremely attractive co-workers.

Please note that T4td Corp. is very interested in equal opportunities, so we will gladly take the opportunity to make money from men and women alike.

So go ahead - make your mid-life crisis an occasion to remember.
Why wait?

Statutory warning - if you do not keep up repayments into this scheme, your crises will be reclaimed and your life will be reduced back to it's hum-drum nature, along with slippers, soap operas, unpleasant body odour and an insatiable craving for warm drinks and early nights.

Sincerely,
T4td.
Your crises are our passion.

Talk Like a Republican

2007-04-05T11:16:00.000Z

We know, we know, we know.

We did say we wouldn't only do one post per day.

But we've just stumbled upon this and we had to share it.

Prepare to take over the World with:

The G. W. Bush Speechwriter.

Sincerely,
T4td.
Promising the Earth.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-04-04T19:03:00.000Z

Having seen the video we posted earlier, we're wondering if we haven't been aiming a tad high with this series.

Don't get us wrong. We're not anti-American. We're anti-ignorance. Studies in the UK have found that 8 out of 10 British citizens could not identify the British Isles on a map of the World.

Perhaps we should start by correcting a few common errors.

1 - The London Underground is not a terrorist organisation.

2 - Karl Marx was not one of Groucho's brothers.

3 - It is not alright to make new words by adding 'ability' or 'ise' onto perfectly good words.

4 - The Bermuda Triangle is not the area concealed by Bermuda Shorts.

5 - 'At the present time' means 'now'.

6 - A Freudian Slip, isn't an undergarment worn by the mother you loved so very much.

7 - That guy in West Wing isn't the real U.S. President. He's an actor - like Reagan.

8 - The term 'marital relations' does not refer to your parents in-law.

9 - Evolution is not a theory. It's happening right now - it's just missed a few of you.

10 - Chaos theory does not explain why your life is a mess.

We hope that helped.

If we've left you confused, we're sorry.
Come back tomorrow for more enlightenment or even better, subscribe to our excellent feed from Feedburner.

If you're not confused, it just means you haven't noticed what's going on in the World.

If this is still too much, we'll try and find you a video of a fat guinea pig skateboarding.

Until that happy day,
Farewell.
Sincerely,
T4td
Here to help you help yourself.

Americans are NOT stupid - WITH SUBTITLES

2007-04-04T13:38:00.001Z

Not really clear on where they are, but making up for it by their enthusiasm to invade somewhere else.

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-04-03T18:17:00.000Z

Millions are spent on surveillance technology. Satellites, we are told, can focus on a cigarette packet. So those cigarettes had better watch what they're doing. Any nonsense from them and GW may declare a war on tobacco. Which, now I think about it, would make a lot of sense. Which kills more in a year- cigarettes or terrorist bombs?

Back to the topical point.

We have this awesome technology. It's fantastic. But when you need it for something, say - just for the hell of it - to tell you whether a boat is in Iraqi waters, or whether it's intruding somewhere that just might, possibly spark an international incident, it just doesn't seem to be any damn use. Similarly, it didn't locate the WMD. Or rather it did, but then it couldn't remember where they were. Which, to be fair, is the sort of thing I do with my car keys all the time.

'Ah!' They say. 'It doesn't work like that.'

'OK,' we reply, 'how does it work?'

'Oh no!' they cry, 'we can't tell you that. It's all terribly secret. And if we tell you, the baddies will find out.'

'But surely,' we choke, 'showing how good this stuff is, would be a fantastic deterrent?'

'Not saying. And anyway, it's my satellite and I've got to go in for my tea.'

Hmmm. I'm reminded of a certain emperor that turned out to be naked in front of the whole town and ended his days in therapy.

So really, it comes down to this. Which navy do you trust more?. Imagine you had to be rescued from the middle of a vast ocean. Which one would you want looking for you?

The Royal Navy - professionally trained, highly motivated, skilled and disciplined?

Or the Iranian Navy - a waterborne version of the Keystone Cops?

If only, just for once, governments would show a little solidarity with the men and women they send to risk their lives for their country.

Sincerely,
T4td.
We're watching.

Look out! That cigarette packet moved!

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-04-02T18:01:00.000Z

Sure signs you take life way too seriously.

Chapter 2 - Family.

3.

You keep a record of the days you have sex, along with a note of the position and duration.
Unfortunately, your partner made you take the wall planner down because the drawing pins were marking the lounge wallpaper.

NB
Please note, dear reader, that this is the only post for today. We have decided that it could be annoying for our subscribers to have several posts appear all at once, and so we are limiting ourselves, as much as possible, to one a day. If you're not a subscriber, then what are you waiting for? You don't want to miss anything do you?

We'll still keep up with each series, it's just that they will now be spread throughout the week. We hope that this will be an improvement for you, and will give us time to produce work of a higher quality.

If you have any comments or suggestions, then please let us know.

We are always happy to hear from our readers, as it gives our Grievance Department something to get their teeth into. How they cackle as they write people's names down in their big black books. How they gibber as they call for fresh blood to fill their pens.

They particularly enjoy people being snippy about pronunciation, punctuation and grammar. Those people go into a special book. The one they keep chained up and padlocked. We don't ask about it. We have to sleep at night.

Until tomorrow.

Sleep tight.

Sincerely,
T4td
We're making a list, we're checking it twice.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-03-30T20:18:00.000Z

quid pro quo n. Something given as compensation or in return for something.

Early attempts to explain this, faltered due to an over-simplistic exchange mechanism, e.g. an eye for an eye. Thankfully, due to the great advances in human civilisation, lawyers can now tell you exactly how much you could expect in return for losing any given part of your body. They can also work out, without a calculator, how much they will deduct for themselves, how much extra time to claim for, and how many large cars they can buy as a result.

More IYWP soon.

How many other blogs give you this many new posts each day?

Sincerely,
T4td.
We're with you all the way.

You'll Never get Out of it Alive

2007-03-30T20:12:00.000Z

Signs you take life way too seriously.

Chapter 2 - Family

2 - Sometimes, during arguments with your family, you suspect they haven't even read the Household Charter. Or are they just working to an earlier version?

More Yngooia soon.

And if you enjoyed this - please vote over in our poll vault.

Perhaps you know someone who would enjoy this series - spread the word.

We do appreciate all our readers.

Sincerely,
T4td
Slapping you heartily on the back.

Celebrity Friday

2007-03-30T19:44:00.000Z

The days just fly by don't they?

There's never enough time in the day to get everything done. Which is why we make our staff work all night as well. A couple of shots of espresso usually does the trick. Sometime we even use a fresh hypodermic.

We know what you're thinking - don't we always?
But don't worry - it isn't real espresso. No that would be far too expensive. No, we just crumble some caffeine tablets into a bag of sugar, then mix it with a little gravy powder in a bucket of water, and no-one notices the difference.

Anyway, for today's Celebrity Friday, we thought we'd do something different. We thought we'd introduce you to the team. Well, to the important people. We won't bother with the office juniors. At the rate we get through them, we'd never be able to keep you up to date. To be honest, we don't even bother to get them name badges. We don't give leaving presents, we just send flowers to the family.

Today's celebrity is me.
My name is known only to a few, carefully selected individuals - one of whom is my goldfish - so I'm generally known as MC. I am the Chairman, Chief Exec and founder of T4td Corp. My chronological age is 42, but my financial age is either 85 or 15, depending on which authority is asking. One of my claims to fame is that I'm the only person who has successfully claimed several pensions whilst still receiving child benefit. My main hobby is motorbike riding, which I took up in order to ease the commute between my bedroom and my dressing room.

My thought 4 the day is a quote:

Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

I hope to introduce the rest of the team to you soon. We even hope to create, we mean 'take' a few pictures of our senior staff.

We look forward to seeing you soon.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting closer to you every day.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-03-29T19:45:00.000Z

Signs you take life too seriously.

Chapter 2 - Family

1 - You have painstakingly traced your family tree, but only to look for signs of hereditary illness.

More Yngooia soon.

T4td.

Annual Appraisal

2007-03-29T19:23:00.000Z

It's staff appraisal time here at T4td. That means that our staff of appraisal experts will shortly calling upon you at an unexpected time of the day (or night) to let you know how you're doing.

Don't worry - they're professionals. The process will be almost painless and if there is any damage to your property, or your body, or your family, your pets, your neighbours, or your sanity - you will be appropriately billed for the inconvenience that you've caused us.

In the meantime, I'd like to give a few of you the opportunity of what our Transatlantic customers refer to as a 'heads up'. This is, in the circumstances, and unfortunately for some of you, a rather apposite turn of phrase.

Martin - you have been a reasonable T4td customer for most of the time, but our tracking software indicates that yesterday, whilst your wife was out shopping, you spent a full 47 minutes watching videos of fat people falling over. Shape up Martin. Oh, and by the way - your wife wasn't shopping, but spent the afternoon over at your old friend Frank's house, where they drank coffee, played cards and had a conversation. Sorry to break this to you, but you asked for it. In future, stick with T4td.

Jane - Oh dear. Where were you last week Jane? We'll tell you where shall we? You were on holiday in the Bahamas weren't you Jane? You wanted to 'Get away from it all' apparently. You didn't even take your laptop. And did you ask us for permission? Well we haven't seen forms 379.8a and 97837.27b. Jane, Jane, Jane. With that attitude, you'll never get anywhere. T4td is an attitude, it's a lifestyle choice. All we can say is, that you'd better try and catch up with the others. Just remember Jane, that the T4td end of term tests will soon be upon us.

Let these examples be reminder to the rest of you.

Time spent at T4td is never wasted. Time spent away from T4td is chargeable.

Now. Let's get back to normal. Sorry to be so harsh.

Today's thought is:

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite so satisfying as a tax refund.

Join us tomorrow for Celebrity Friday.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Watching, always watching.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-03-28T19:03:00.000Z

Signs you take life too seriously

Chapter 1 - beliefs

4 - You have composed your own funeral service and eulogy. It includes a short quiz on your life history and a few games to lighten the mood.

If you enjoyed this - use the shortcut at the top of our homepage to see the whole series.

More Yngooia soon.

T4td Corp

Good

2007-03-28T18:39:00.000Z

The good we do today is our happiness tomorrow.

Hindu proverb

So do some good today - share the life-changing experience that is T4td.

Tell your family, tell your neighbours, your workmates, even tell those people you used to call friends before you started staying indoors and messing about on your computer all the time.

And tomorrow, happiness will be yours. Probably.

You see, it all depends what you define as doing good, doesn't it?

To us, doing good means...well...it means...erm...nothing really. We like to feel good. We like to have a good life, make a good living, earn good money. But doing good isn't really in our corporate lexicon.

Of course there's charity and sponsorship, but let's face it - that's just PR and you know it and we know it.

Hmmm. This is a first. Our thought 4 the day has made us think. It really isn't meant to work like that.

We'll just check our company manual. There's a chapter on moral conundrums in the workplace.

Here we are - the entry for 'good'.

Good - See Greed.

That's cleared that up.

So today's thought should have been:

The greed we have today is our happiness tomorrow.

I feel better now. I think I'll go shopping. I need a new suit - I've had this one on all morning. Get me the limo and put the jet on standby - I'm going to Thailand for the afternoon.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
The thought in front, is from T4td

Almost Topical Tuesday

2007-03-27T18:51:00.000Z

Please be advised that whilst you are reading this edifying blog, your computer is increasing you carbon footprint. In order to offset this, we request that readers hold their breath for as long as possible.

If you are the kind of person who spends most of their day on a computer, then please take care not to fall into a coma because of the real risk that your family members may not notice.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Carbon neutral - we only use our own nuclear reactor, which although it leaks a little, is perfectly safe, so we'd better not get any more complaints from that dratted nursery school again.

Spurious Statistics

2007-03-27T18:27:00.000Z

The start of an occasional new series.

Statistics show that gullibility is now more common than it was seven years ago. If you know someone gullible, then treat them to one of our spurious statistics.

For instance:

In certain conditions of extreme cold, you can lose 10% of your body height through the top of your head. This is the reason that people indigenous to cold climate areas are not particularly tall.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Pulling the wool until it unravels.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-03-27T18:23:00.000Z

Signs you take life too seriously

Chapter 1 - beliefs

3. You have made a study of conspiracy theories, and you are convinced they're all the work of one person.

More Yngooia another day.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Keeping it - well, just keeping it so you can't have it back.

The Only Constant

2007-03-26T19:38:00.000Z

...is change. Yes, we're making changes all the time here. We're so inspired, we're now working on a new publication entitled The Joy of Widgets.

Don't you just love widgets?

Well don't overdo it. Widget dependency is now a serious condition in some inner cities. Some mental health authorities have recommended that sufferers give themselves a tiny allowance of weekly widget exposure, which they must not exceed. This has become known as the Widget Midget Budget. Hard to stick to - even harder to say ten times.

So, with that in mind, you may have seen widgets come and go over the last few days. This will settle down soon. In the meantime, if we've taken away your favourite widget, then you can either spend the next few years working through your sense of loss with a suitably expensive psychotherapist, or you could just email us.

Why not get yourself a T4td Widget for your site? There's one here.

Also, we now have a favicon. Thanks to Ilker at The Thinking Blog for help with that.

So stroll around, have a peek at the Poll Vault, even scroll down to the bottom of the page where you'll find a daily cartoon from Blaugh and a fantastic game of Asteroids.

Who could ask for anything more?

Well, you could. Just leave a comment or email us.

That's enough of that. Here's a thought:

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless one has plenty of work to do.

Jerome K. Jerome

And having flicked though your to-do list just now, we can see that you must be really enjoying yourself.

Don't worry, time spent at T4td is never wasted.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp
Your time is on our hands.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-03-24T17:13:00.000Z

Misanthrope: Someone who hates mankind and/or avoids human society.

eg "Hey, this coffee machine must've been made by a complete misanthrope."

A brief trawl through the blogosphere will reveal many misanthropes.

Interestingly, there is an inverse relationship between how misanthropic someone is, and their urgent need to communicate to as many people as possible, ie the more they hate everyone, the less they can keep their damned mouths shut (see Politicians).

NB
For reasons of political correctness, some authorities now prefer the term 'Ms. Anthrope'.

You'll Never Get Out of it Alive

2007-03-24T17:11:00.000Z

Sure signs you take life way too seriously.

Chapter 1 - Beliefs

2. Jehovah's Witnesses walk swiftly past your house.

Normal Service

2007-03-24T12:51:00.000Z

Normal service will not be resumed due to circumstances beyond belief.

However, our usual service, which could never be referred to as 'normal', will be resumed as soon as possible, if not before, whichever works out the most tax-deductible.

We thank you for your patience.

In the meantime, for your continued enjoyment, here is some music:

The Four Seasons composed by Vivaldi.

We hope you enjoyed that music. On another occasion, we might bring you some ballet.

Thank you.

T4td Corp.
We're there for you - even when you're asleep.

Celebrity Friday

2007-03-23T16:49:00.000Z

Today's Celebrity Friday is brought to you tomorrow. This is partly to do with the clocks going forward to British Summer Time and partly to do with other circumstances which, according to our public accountability policy and laws on openness and disclosure, are frankly none of your god damn business.

His name is Gordon and he is not as old as he looks. Professionally, he does something with money and numbers. He did tell us exactly what he does - several times - but we kept dropping off. His hobbies, interestingly, are money and numbers. Here is his thought:

Now, the really interesting thing about double-entry book-keeping is that every positive is a negative, so that when you add the negatives and take away the positives, you should be left with nothing at all. And what's more, you've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, don't mess with Mr. Inbetween.

Alright. We made the last bit up. We did try to keep awake. In the end, to get him to shut up, we had to lock Gordon in a room with one of our Creative Accounting operatives and make him listen to a lecture on Hyperspatial Expense Accounts. The screaming was dreadful. Gordon just couldn't cope with the concept that time and space are relative, but at T4td Corp we always get paid.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.

We're in your head.

Increase Your Watercooler Power

2007-03-21T21:31:00.000Z

non sequitur - a conclusion that does not logically flow from the premises.

For example, the barman refuses to serve you because, much to his surprise, the alcohol he has sold you, has made you intoxicated. You can explain that there is a flaw in his logic and attempt to say 'non sequitur'.

He will then grip you firmly and ensure that you then flow from his premises.

More IYWP tomorrow.
T4td Corp

You'll Never Get out of it Alive

2007-03-21T21:26:00.000Z

Sure Signs you take life way too seriously.

Chaper 1 - Beliefs

1. Somewhere there is a parallel universe where everything is arranged just the way you'd like it.

T4td
More Yngooia tomorrow!

Time

2007-03-21T20:33:00.000Z

Tempus fugit

A Latin phrase which translates quite literally as:

Time to eat fudge.

Here at T4td Corp, we've been having some thoughts of our own.
Why not? Senior executives even get a staff discount.

What we think, is that it's time for some changes here at T4td.

And we don't mean one of those empty rebranding type of non-changes either.

Which is a shame, because they're quicker and much, much cheaper.
We are happy to offer our services as rebranding consultants, for anyone out there who needs to give a boost to their profits or their sagging personality.

We even have work in progress.

Christmas for atheists - rebranded as 'December 24.1'
Shopping Malls - rebranded as 'Retail Theatre'
Slum housing - rebranded as 'Urban Retro Chic'
Iraq's WMD - rebranded as 'Just Sand'

But for you, loyal reader, we want to make some real changes.

Less ads
Less links - except those to excellent sites
New look
New logo

But above all - a greater variety of content.
We have plans to bring you:

You'll Never get Out of it Alive (TM) - a series of signs that you take life too seriously
Increase your Watercooler Power (TM) - Words to tweak the noses of lesser beings
Spurious Statistics (TM) - Spout these at your leisure to entangle the gullible

And of course, we'll keep Celebrity Friday and Almost Topical Tuesday.

So keep looking back in on us.
Perhaps you'd like to submit material - use the email address.
Or maybe you have some suggestions.

We value your custom.

Oh - and we know where you live.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We're in front at getting behind you.

ps. Paint that tatty window frame.

Topical Tuesday

2007-03-20T20:20:00.000Z

Yes, it's back.

Almost Topical Tuesday (TM).

Our last post made us think about supermarkets. And no, we're not going to put a link in here. Just move your mouse and scroll about a bit.

What?

Oh alright then. It's here.

You are a lazy poltroon - and we mean that in the nicest way possible.

Now supermarkets.

A recent study has revealed that in the UK, people throw away one third of the food they buy.

That's an average of course. We never waste anything at T4td Corp. All our scraps go to the office juniors whenever they've earned an eating day.

Whenever you deal with averages, you've got to remember that many people fall into groups at opposite extremes.

That must mean that there are some people who throw away all the food they buy. It could be that, presented with a lovely picture of delicious food on the packet, and finding a grey, congealed, cardboard-like substance inside, these people eat the packaging instead.

Where are we going with this?

Just here:

Is it a coincidence that the more people buy ready meals, the more they throw away?

Heck - what do you think those things are made of in the first place?

That's right! They want you to throw them away
so they pulverise them, cover the taste with chemicals and then sell them back to you.

Now that is what you call marketing.

So the next time you see 'buy one get one free' remember this thought:

There is no such thing as a free lunch -
but if there was, you'd probably have to throw it away.

Until tomorrow,
enjoy your Lasagna for one.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Eating for two.

Life

2007-03-19T20:09:00.000Z

Into each life a little rain must fall.
So get a coat. Get over it.

Remember, one man's loss is another man's umbrella.

Was that two thoughts?

We think so. But wait a moment.

Before you start getting hot under the collar and screaming 'Buy one get one free!'

We're not like that. That sort of thing only causes endless waste and needless packaging.

We're strictly wysiwyg.
Or is it earwig? Or woogawooga?
Damn this dyslexia!

We don't need marketing gimmicks.
And anyway, with T4td Corp - every day is a special offer.

We're not like those supermarket giants.
Speaking of which - perhaps they deserve a post all of their own.

Until then,
watch out for that rain.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We're in your mind.

Celebrity Friday

2007-03-16T16:03:00.000Z

Today's celebrity is a best-selling poet.

Her name is Margaret and she has written many books of poetry that would be of special interest to lovers of campanology. She has had these books published at great personal expense and she is certainly the best at selling them.

In fact, she's the only person that will sell them.

All of her family buy copies of her books, and any callers to the house always leave with a copy - often against their will or without their knowledge. At weekends Margaret can be found wandering the streets and pestering the elderly. She doesn't sell them books, she just really hates old people.

Margaret was awarded a prize for her, in her view, most successful anthology entitled Summoned by the Balls. She has framed her prize certificate, mainly to obscure the smudge she made by taking it off the ink-jet too soon.

Here is her, poetical, thought:

I really love to ring the bells,
To hear their music often,
Some say I ring them much too loud,
They've caused my brain to soften.

A metaphor for life perhaps. Or possibly just the deranged ramblings of a halfwit.

At any rate, her psychotherapist has just had a new extension built on his house, so we suspect that the search for meaning in Margaret's work may go on for some time.

Meanwhile, have a splendid weekend and we'll see you next week for more Thoughts 4 the day.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We're Loving it.

Satisfaction

2007-03-15T13:30:00.000Z

Satisfied?

We hope so. If not, then please apply for a full refund.

T4td Corp will then send one of our Thought Reclamation Operatives to repossess all of the thoughts you've received. Naturally, those thoughts are the property of T4td Corp and if you're not going to pay for them, you don't get to keep them.

The procedure is quick and you won't feel a thing - once your body has gone into shock. Just sign the Thought Release form, slip on a few restraints (for your own protection) and our operatives will have a probe up your nose before you can say - well, anything. A quick wiggle of the probe, a few volts here and there, and those thoughts will come flooding out.

Please remember, we also own all the words that go to make up those thoughts, so after the procedure, you may have trouble stringing a sentence together. And seeing in colour. And you might start tasting words. And maybe falling over a bit. But hey, remember the sixties? Well not after this you won't.

We'll leave you with today's thought (to be used in an art gallery):

They couldn't find the artist so they hung his picture.

Until tomorrow.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting closer to you.

Grave Thoughts

2007-03-14T13:15:00.000Z

Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

Bierce, A. (The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary)

Today's thought is especially poignant as Ambrose Bierce's year of death has a question mark beside it. Is it that we're not sure when he died, or are we not sure whether he died.

Perhaps that question can only be answered by a medical student.

At T4td Corp we were almost interested in medicine. We trialled a service of Diagnosis 4 the Day. It used the latest in AI and responded directly to descriptions of symptoms. But after a brief exciting period of diagnosing rare tropical diseases, it became disillusioned and we discovered that it just kept repeating one of three things:

It's stress
Take a painkiller
It's a virus.

That was unexciting but marketable. We kept it going until it started demanding afternoons off and an Audi, and then we had to 'retire' it. It now spends most of the year in the Bahamas and the rest skiing in Switzerland.

Until Tomorrow.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We're behind you.

Hankering

2007-03-13T18:50:00.000Z

Do you ever hanker?

We do. We hanker for the old days. Were you with us at the beginning?
Sure it was only three months ago, but what months they've been.

A lot of our readers though, are recent converts to the T4td Way (TM). Well we don't mind that. In fact we welcome them. We even provide an extra service for them, whereby we assume that they've been there all along, and charge them accordingly (plus interest of course).

But if you are one of our newer customers, please remember that T4td is always original, always different, and is composed fresh each day.

Other blogs often give you only variations along one of four lines:
1 - 'Hey guess what I did today'
2 - 'Hey, here's a video of a fat man'
3 - 'Look, this picture could be slightly amusing if you look at it in a certain way even though everyone knows it's just a snap of a cat taken from an odd camera angle'
4 - 'This is my blog about blogging and would you like to be on my list of as many links as possible?'

At T4td, it really is worth reading our older posts - we're proud of them all.

Perhaps you'd like to find out about our scale of charges? Then look here.
Or, perhaps you'd like to read our very first thought? It's only a click away.
And then there was our very first Celebrity Friday.

We've introduced you to some excellent services.
The Virtual Vitamins were very successful.
And our Make Me Mediocre went down very well with the middle classes.

And we've had some strange times.
Remember when one of our thinkers went a bit haywire? Relive it here.
And who can forget the unfortunate Liebfraumilch incident?

So have a click and take a trip through our past thoughts, which lie, like fine wines, slowly maturing in a cool, dark cellar (which incidentally, is what happens to our staff philosophers when they start to get a bit woolly around the edges).

Ah well. We must now wipe our misty eyes and give you a Thought 4 today. Here it is:

To err is human,
to forgive divine,
but our prerogative
is to dismiss without notice.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting our defence in first.

Religion

2007-03-12T20:53:00.000Z

Ambrose Bierce defined religion like this:

Religion, n A goodly tree, in which all the foul birds of the air have made their nests.

Of course, he could well have been out of his tree when he wrote that.

At T4td Corp, we've been thinking very seriously about religion. It seems to us that religion is really a system of ideas; a construct, if you will, of interlacing concepts. And more importantly - and we think you'll agree that this really is the fundamental point - it sounds like a nice little earner.

Yes - you've guessed it. As part of our 'Winner Takes it All' campaign for global dominance in the Global Ideas Market Place (or GIMP as we like to call it), we're planning to start our very own religion. After all, religion is ideas and ideas are what we do.

The initial outlay is minimal, though later we'll be opening a set of franchise outlets, perhaps called Temple 4 the Day. Naturally, there will be regalia to wear and various texts to print, but we won't exactly be giving them away.

Then there will be the ceremonies to arrange, in which the new members will agree to give us 10% of their income. Naturally our flock will expect a reward for their devotion. And we promise there will be one. We'll make sure of that by issuing a loyalty card to each member. And there will even be vouchers. You can cash in your vouchers for untold riches and happiness, just as soon as you can prove that you're no longer alive.

We could use a little help though.

You see, we haven't decided what to call our new religion yet. Perhaps you have a suggestion. Please let us know by commenting. If we get a really good idea, we might consider giving a prize - perhaps we could offer a 'free' thought 4 the day.

So how about it?

Would you like to join?
We'll take that as a yes.

Until tomorrow.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Holier than thou.

Celebrity Friday

2007-03-09T20:10:00.000Z

If we wanted to be all multi-sensory and 21st Century, wrap-around internet experience, this is the point where we'd say, 'Cue music.'

But we don't.

We don't go in for fancy graphics, slick style and smooth animations. To us, HTML is just 'hot metal' with the vowels taken out. A rollover is a trick to teach to dogs and office juniors. Ajax was a powdered cleaning product. Flash just reminds us of that nasty business at the office party, just before we had old man Wilkins taken away. And CSS just stands for Coffee with Semi-skimmed.

Content is what we do - as original as possible. Fresh from the fevered minds of our loyal workforce of over-qualified philosophers, straight to your shiny computer.

We're just not at home to Mr. Look-at-me-I'm-beautiful. For one thing, that would be the triumph of style over substance. And for another, it would be too damn expensive (for you we mean).

So, without further ado, and with all that in mind, here is our Celebrity of the Week.

His name is Theo and he is 58 - although he's not quite sure about his age since he lost some chunks of time. That happened partly when he experimented with psychotropic drugs in the sixties and partly when he was in the shopping mall last Thursday. Our Chief Executive met him when he attended Theo's healing centre. Theo runs regular, and extortionately expensive retreats for celebrities and executives who are 'tired'. What they're mainly tired of being is hopeless drug addicts.

Here is Theo's thought:

Oh.
Apparently, Theo's retreats are silent.

Sorry about that.

Never mind. Perhaps, after that moment of reflective calmness, we're all a little bit wiser. We can safely say, that after visiting Theo, we were a lot poorer. Apparently, if you want to fast while you're there - he charges extra. You have to admire the man

Enjoy your weekend.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Keeping the glass half-full.

The Thinking Blog

2007-03-08T20:50:00.000Z

T4td Corp is a great fan of thinking. There should be more of it. We'd even go so far as to say that everyone should think, almost daily. We understand that this would be almost impossible for politicians, P.E. Teachers and Police Chiefs, but they could at least try couldn't they?

For instance, did you notice that all those three jobs begin with the letter 'P'? If you did, then you may not have realised it, but you were actually thinking. Good wasn't it?

Now try this - perhaps the stigma of jobs beginning with the letter 'p' makes psychologists keep their 'p' silent - very crafty.

Or maybe, you're thinking that this is all just nonsense.

If you are, then maybe you should try The Thinking Blog. Thinking is what its' all about.
Fuel your brain. Feed those little synapses.

Thinking could become almost second nature to you. It could really catch on. Perhaps one day, they'll even teach it in our schools - wouldn't that be something?

So if you're thinking of thinking, don't - just do it.

For example:
What is your birthday colour? Find out here.

Or perhaps you'd like to promote your blog - then read this to find a new way.

You can even play thought-provoking games like this one.

So if you think you'd like to think thinking, think thinking blog.

And whilst you're here, why not try our new series: You'll Never get Out of it Alive?

T4td has lots to offer.
Freshly written everyday.
More satirical than a playing blind man's bluff with George W.
More entertaining than self-medicating with worming tablets.
More - just more.

Have a stroll and a scroll through our deliciously crumbly pages and let the warmth of our ideas melt slowly on your tongue.

We love to hear from you and we do respond personally.
Leave us comments or email us. Pop over to mybloglog and join our happy community.
Go on. indulge yourself.
You know you want to.

And we'll still respect you in the morning.

We look forward to seeing you.
Sincerely,
T4td.
We're behind you.

Take a person

2007-03-08T20:14:00.000Z

No, not that one. Put him back.

OK, imagine a person's body.

No. This isn't that kind of website.

Try to imagine your body.

Pretty unpleasant isn't it? What happened to that gym you joined in January?

I thought so.

Back to the point - because there is one.
Now imagine all the cells that make up your body, your physical presence.

Now, try to remain calm, as we tell you that 90% of those cells are, in fact micro-organisms.

Oh sorry - we didn't realise you were eating.

Though, now you know what you know, you'll realise that you don't eat to feed yourself, but to supply energy to the teeming, seething mass of microbes that use your body as the biological equivalent of a luxury motor home.

Enjoy your meal.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Reaching deep and bringing a lump to your throat.

And now - introducing T4td Lite Express (TM)
For those of you who are always busy, busy, busy
Don't miss out on those valuable moments of insight.
Same thoughts - less time needed to read them.

As an introductory offer, here is an almost free sample:
Hey - you're mainly germs.

Thank you.
T4td LE.

Stumble Upon This

God

2007-03-07T19:53:00.000Z

Today's thought comes from a Mr. Allen, who apparently lives in the US.

Not only is there no god, but try finding a plumber at the weekend.

T4td Corp would like to take this opportunity of indemnifying itself against all possible claims of political uncorrectness, heresy, and plagiarism. If any of our readers are of a religious persuasion, then we hope that we haven't offended you. If we have, and you would like to send us death threats, or promises of torture, eternal damnation and horrible suffering, then think again.

Whatever you may believe, when it comes to getting our own way, we wrote the book.

We are a corporation, and quite frankly, we rock.

Of course, if we have misrepresented Mr. Allen in any way, we really are very sorry and we'll do an appropriate penance, which will probably involve watching Annie Hall a dozen times and then reciting the 'I shot a moose' monologue from memory.

May you go in peace, and on a regular basis without need of laxatives.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
One step closer to you.

Stumble Upon

Uniquely Us

2007-03-06T20:58:00.000Z

T4td Corp goes it alone.

Our blog is like no other.

Usually.

But for today, we thought we'd scour the blogsphere and, just for once, try to fit in.

Here goes.

So, that Penelope Cruz, she's very attractive isn't she? Not very tall, but lovely in many other ways.

And all that trouble in Iraq - that's pretty awful isn't it? It's all about oil really of course. There never were any weapons of mass destruction. And did you see the video on youtube? No, not Saddam, that one with the fat person falling over. Yeah, it was hilarious wasn't it? I emailed it to everyone in the Northern hemisphere when I was meant to be checking the database at work. Got into trouble there. Shame really.

Crikey I'm bored. I wonder if I can get past the firewall and find any rude pictures. Or maybe I could go onto Yahoo answers and pretend to be a member of the opposite sex and ask a question about - er - erm - something rude.

That didn't take long. I don't know why I bothered. I could do some work, but I really hate my boss and I'm quite hungry and I seem to be having terrible trouble concentrating.

Maybe I'll just check a few funny websites out - see if I can find a joke to tell when I go out later. Loads of things are funny aren't they? Like road signs with the word 'butt' in them and menus that haven't been translated into English properly.

Anyway, that's enough of me ranting away. I'll try to insert a video of a horrendous car accident. Leave me comment if you like it.

Bye for now.

***

T4td Corp would like you to know that we didn't enjoy that at all.

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Until then,

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
The only ones marching in step.

If you could...

2007-03-05T17:10:00.000Z

As part of today's thought, T4td Corp would like to throw our readers a challenge.

It's this:

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

We do realise that this is wandering perilously close to Yahoo Answers territory - heaven forfend. So we don't necessarily need you to tell us the answer. In fact, we're not sure that we even care. What we suggest is that you order our new service...

T4td Corp. proudly presents...

Change One Thing (TM)

Unfulfilled? Yearning to change? Need to turn your life around?

But you can't be bothered?

Look no further. For an unspecified and yet interestingly large sum of money, our team of Change One Thing (TM) Operatives will do it for you. Our highly trained Change Enforcers, dressed subtly in black, will visit you at an unexpected moment, probably in the middle of the night. They'll shake you out of your comfort zone and half out of your wits. Then, when you've signed the 'consent form' (or look as if you might be about to sign it), the fun will begin.

An illustration:
Say you're overweight - we said say it.
OK.
A plate of doughnuts, a black hood, a few electric shocks, and a brief period of hanging in one of our special motivational positions and hey presto. By the time you get the hood off, figure out where you are and get your government to fly you home, you'll be cured.

So sign up today and Change One Thing (TM)

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Waiting for you.

NB: You will be billed for: doughnuts, hood hire, electricity, flight tax.
Ransom video available at extra charge.

Another Link in the Chain

2007-03-05T15:49:00.000Z

T4td Corp is pleased to be associated with A Links Blog. This was a result of some well-intentioned inteference from Darren, our Friday Celebrity last week. Those of you who enjoy this sort of circular logic, should visit A Links Blog, so that you can then link back to us. It's either that, or go and clean out that kitchen cupboard like your partner asked you to over a month ago.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Joined-up Thinking.

New template

2007-03-03T17:32:00.000Z

Out with the old and in with the bathwater.

We hope that this template will be easier on the eyes. If you don't approve, then please let us know. We are always open to criticism, indeed our legal team is poised and ready to launch into action at a moment's notice. So please feel free to make negative comments, and we'll feel free to start a completely disproportionate legal action against you. If, on the other hand, you have a positive comment for us, then go right ahead - your loved ones will thank you for it.

Thank you for your continued support.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp
Walking towards the light.

ps.
The layout adjustment fee has been debited from your account. And we have taken a little extra to set against future layout changes.

And a bit more because, well, because we're a huge corporation and frankly, because we can.

Celebrity Friday

2007-03-02T12:20:00.000Z

Today's celebrity is the self-proclaimed King of the Blogsphere.
His name is Darren and he has recently broken the world record for the number of blogs authored by one person. He was also voted the palest person in the Europe - and that was against some pretty tough opposition. He only achieved victory by replacing his office chair with a commode.

Here is his thought:

Hi - thanks for reading this - I'll be over to your site soon to leave you a message to say how much I liked it that you left me a message, in the hope that you will then come back and leave me a message about how much you liked my message. Cool. Right. Nice. Where was I? Oh yeah, 'thought' - here it is:

Blog as you would be blogged by.

Ooooh deep. What did I mean by that? Well it's too late to take it back now. See you soon. Leave me message. Please. If I don't get any messages for a few minutes I start to think there's no-one there and maybe there's been a disaster and I'm the only one left alive. I can't go through all that again.

It was more or less at this point that Darren started to cry. If you can help, please send money to us and we'll pass some of it on to Darren.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Reaching out to you.

Success

2007-03-01T20:41:00.000Z

Today's thought:

If at first you don't succeed,
then give up.

Here at T4td Corp we sometimes wonder why we bother. The endless hours of thinking, writing, editing, typing, beating the office juniors for making our coffee in the wrong cup - what's it all for?

Still, as Forest Gump's mother did not say,
Satire is as satire does.

This is, of course, a piece of meaningless gibberish, but somehow, you ought to know what we're talking about. If you do, then why not stick a comment on. We know the widget isn't where it ought to be, but click on a post title and you will be whisked to a full page version of the post where the comment option will be clearly visible.

Go on.
We dare you.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Always listening to you.

No Comment

2007-02-28T21:19:00.000Z

T4td Corp would like to point out that it is possible to comment on our posts. First, for some reason known only to blogger, the comment link only shows if you link to a specific post title. You can then comment as normal. We hope this helps. It is perhaps the reason why so few have dared, we mean decided to comment on our thoughts.

We welcome your contributions.

In fact, we insist that you make some. If you don't, then let's just say that you might expect a visit.

Don't worry, that sound was just a branch blowing against a window.

It couldn't possibly be us.

Because if it was,

you wouldn't have heard a thing.

We'll leave you with today's thought:

Criticism comes more easily than craftsmanship.

Zeuxis 400 BC

We're not sure who Zeuxis was, but he may have made this remark just after he found someone had scratched a foolish remark on his latest stone tablet.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting closer.

Join in the fun

2007-02-27T20:29:00.000Z

Here at T4td Corp. we have a finely developed sense of fun. How we laugh as we make the word 'overcharged' seem so inadequate. How we chortle as we develop interesting new technologies with the sole aim of separating people from their cash. But it can be quite tiring, not to say expensive to keep on top of new developments. Some of our top ideas people have had burn-outs recently, and we've only just finished clearing up the mess left by the sprinklers.

So, with that in mind, and in the spirit of the Internet community (see this), we thought we'd let you have a go. Have a look at some of our products, such as Goggle, Virtual Vitamins, A4td, and Make me Mediocre to name but a few, and then see if you can invent some of your own. Of course there will be royalties involved, but you can always pay us in installments (1% interest charge - per second).

Have a go. Tell us your ideas for technology we could develop (we would prefer it to be unstable), or services we could provide (must be non-useful whilst generating a need for itself), or products we can sell (must be consumable or, even better, non-existent).

Get stuck in.

Today's thought may help:

The person who never made a mistake, never made anything
But he did become extremely rich by inventing an operating system.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Waiting for you when you get home.

We're Back

2007-02-26T21:09:00.000Z

And we feel great. Doesn't it feel wonderful to be so interconnected? Here we all are, like some enormous, exponentially expanding set of conjoined cyber-citizens. Click us and we bleed data. Our memories leak across the digital divide and pool into an endless stream of shared consciousness.

Wait a moment. Was it two pink pills at six o'clock or six blue pills at two?

We're having a little difficulty achieving our usual level of editorial detachment today. Doctors are all very well, but self-medicating is so much more fun. Still, we'll press on.

Internet communities - vast networks of computers, carefully arranged so that we can all watch mildly humorous movie clips of odd people. Marvellous.

And for corporations such as T4td Corp, it's a simple arrangement - you do the content, we get the profits.

So leave us a comment if you wish. And why not subscribe to our outpourings - let us feed you.

And in the meantime, here's a thought:

Every man's as good as another - and some are a damn sight better.

Yorkshire saying.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We could just eat you up.

Holding the Front Page

2007-02-19T10:57:00.000Z

This week, it seems that there will be no Thoughts 4 the Day. When they do resume, they will be 25% more inspirational, so do come back. In the meantime, here is some free advice to help you have a pleasant week:

Monday - Go for a nice meal.
Tuesday - Call an old friend.
Wednesday - Make time for a loved one.
Thursday - Give a donation to charity.
Friday - Buy your partner some flowers.

For maximum benefit, we recommend that you do not translate these thoughts as follows:

Monday - Haggle over the bill.
Tuesday - Say, 'Where the hell have you been?'
Wednesday - Spend it in front of TV.
Thursday - Brag about it, even though you gave less than the price of a coffee.
Friday - Expect sex in return.

We hope that this will help but remember, free advice is worth exactly what it costs. And because it was free, you can't complain it if it didn't work for you.

We know that you will want to continue your support for T4td Corp. so we will take a nominal retaining fee from you account, possibly more than once.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting the best out of you.

Celebrity Friday

2007-02-16T10:24:00.000Z

Time really flies.

Today's celebrity is a singer. She's had a difficult time recently, her life descending into a downward spiral of addiction, desolation and making a fool of herself in public.

No, it isn't Britney Spears. I'm sure she is a charming young woman and will one day live out a quiet but useful life collecting cans for recycling.

In fact, our celebrity is called Sharon. She is 45 years old and she has never actually made a recording - she just sings a lot. All day and all night. There's nothing anyone can do - they can't seem to get the dosages right. Sharon was reluctant to be our celebrity, but after a brief altercation with the orderlies, she finally agreed. Here is her thought:

There's no business like show business, I'm gonna wash that man right outta my mind, I'm singing in the nude, I don't want to spoil the part so I'll cry if I want to, Michelle my hell, Yesterday all my troubles were so unforgettable that's what you say, say, say what you want, but don't play games with my generation my medication, my medication, my medication.

At that point, Sharon believed she was a stuck gramophone so we made our excuses and left. We did agree to pass on Sharon's request for backing vocalists. Please apply in person to D Wing - just follow the sound.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
A voice in the darkness.

Life

2007-02-15T10:02:00.000Z

It may appear to some of our customers that today's post was actually done tomorrow and then dated for today. Please be assured that this is something to do with time zones, jetlag (see this), global warming (see that) and black holes (see the other - this isn't a link because we haven't written about black holes yet). The apparent discrepancy in date is also due to company policy, which prevents us from ever recording the correct date on any document. This effectively prevents any legal action being taken against us, and puts a stop to any frivolous requests for holidays (we can always prove to our staff that they have used up their holiday entitlement).

Also, we never pay redundancy money, because people have always been sacked the day before they started work here.

It does lead to some interesting situations in the office though. For instance, half of our staff held a small Christmas party last week, whilst at the same time, the other half had an Easter egg hunt.

Whatever else, you can be certain that the Thought 4 the Day was not late, and it absolutely had nothing to do with a mystery illness caused by drinking something that turned out not be Liebfraumilch after all (see here).

Here it is:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step

which is frequently in the wrong direction.

Until later, we mean tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Getting closer.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T19:06:00.000Z

First, we have to issue an apology. This doesn't happen often (see An Apology), mainly because we don't like the implication that we're admitting liability for anything. This does NOT happen. At no time, in the past, present, or - thanks to some clever temporal legal sidestepping - the future.

It is just not possible for us to be liable for anything. Believe me. We did try explaining the reasons in a disclaimer but apparently, it was such a massive document that there wasn't enough room for it on the Internet.

Anyway. A qualified apology for yesterday's Thought 4 the Day, which may have contained jokes that some readers could have found to be weak and profoundly annoying. We regret any irritation that may have occurred to your lower bowel whilst reading these jokes. We regret it a lot - but not as much as the guy who wrote it. He was to have faced a disciplinary enquiry today, but sadly, he passed away before we could get the electrodes on. It seems that he contracted a disease, caused by drinking too much contaminated Liebfraumilch.

Our thoughts are with his family, whom we have now released.

On a brighter note, here is our Valentine's Day thought:

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.

A. Bierce

Until tomorrow,
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Always one step ahead at getting behind you.

Avian Flu

2007-02-13T20:23:00.000Z

Definition:

A disease contracted by drinking too much French mineral water.

But seriously, T4td Corp would like to offer some useful medical advice.

Avian flu, or bird flu, has the following symptoms:

headache, high temperature, aches, respiratory difficulties and...

you'll feel a little peckish.

Oh dear. it's no good. I can't keep up the pretence. You see, the supervisor has gone off on a training course (How to Manage Difficult People by Secretly Destroying Their Lives) and you see, we all thought we'd lighten the mood a little. You know, put in a couple of gags.

I expect we'll get into trouble. But you see, we found a bottle of Liebfraumilch left over from the Christmas party, and were not really allowed to drink, but we just felt a little crazy. It was warm and a little cloudy but we couldn't help ourselves.

I suppose we'll fail the urine test now. But it was worth it. For one mad hour we felt free! Free!

Oh well. Back to the grindstone. We have to take turns to hang it around our necks. It's a motivational tool apparently.

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow. No gags. Just unadulterated 'Thoughts'.

Regretfully,
T4td Corp.
Always here.

Shopping Mall Philosophy

2007-02-12T17:03:00.000Z

How many things are here I do not want.

Socrates - at a fair.

Do you recognise the feeling?

We certainly do. Shopping is, we are told, some sort of necessity. We need greetings cards, smoothie makers and ceramic hair straighteners, because our drinks just aren't smooth enough and our hair is not straight enough, so we are completely worthless.

Eventually, it seems the pendulum will swing and we will need a drink coagulator and some curling tongs. Unfortunately, the greetings card will go from strength to strength. There are, apparently, always new occasions for which we will need greetings cards.

As T4td Corp. is always at the cutting edge of commercial opportunities, we are developing cards for new and exciting occasions. For example:

'Sorry to hear you've been given a life sentence.'

'Thank you for looking after my pet, though I suspect you have let it die and replaced it with a similar one.'

'Thank you for being the best probation officer in the world.'

'Congratulations on finally finding a psychotherapist.'

'Welcome to D-Wing.'

'Happy Anniversary - one more year as my favourite social worker.'

'Happy February 15th - It's I Never Liked You Anyway Day.'

There will, no doubt, be others. But for now, farewell until tomorrow.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Breathing through the pain.

Celebrity Friday

2007-02-09T19:03:00.000Z

Yes it's that time of the week where we at T4td Corp get a warm fuzzy glow.

It's so good to know that us executives are about to jet off to our private island where we can enjoy every possible pleasure, and we're happy for our workforce too. They get to have an extra potato and ten minutes in the exercise yard. Well, we couldn't very well hose them down indoors could we?

Although, now that I think about it - there is that old meat locker that we haven't used since Christmas.

Anyway, to the thought!

This week's celebrity was going to be Anna Nicole-Smith. We know what you're thinking (see: Proverbial Nonsense ), but it just wasn't like that. Our contract negotiators were never there, they never met the person in question, and even if there was a minor disagreement about a drinks bill, those guys do not legally exist, and even if they did - which they don't - they have complete immunity from prosecution.

Back to business.

Today's celebrity is Bruce. He lives in Cornwall and by profession he is a Village Idiot. In fact, he's three Village Idiots. Owing to recent government cutbacks, Bruce has to supply ranting, raving and incomprehensible muttering to three villages. He jogs between each of his workplaces, usually without the benefit of matching shoes or a shirt. To keep himself in tip-top condition he smokes a cigar as he jogs, which adds a little local colour to the winding lanes, or, as it's usually known, 'vomit'. Here is his thought:

Those professional footballers get paid too much don't they? I read some of them earn more in a second than I do in a year. And what I want to know is, does that include the time they're asleep. Because if it does, then what if I'm asleep at the same time? We're both doing exactly the same thing, but they're earning a fortune while I get nothing. It can't be right. And what if I dream I'm a top footballer and they dream they're village idiots - what then?

There was clearly going to be a lot more of this, but thankfully, the drugs kicked in and we could leave him sleeping peacefully under a hedge.

Right, we must go now and check we've packed enough massage oil for the weekend.

We hope to see you next week.
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Pushing the envelope, under your door.

Blogistics

2007-02-08T16:02:00.000Z

If all the people who wrote blogs were laid end to end,
they'd probably be quite distressed.

'No!' they'd scream, 'If we could tolerate human contact we wouldn't spend all our time in specially sealed rooms.'

Well so what? We at T4td Corp. say, go for it. Drag those bloggers, kicking, screaming and foaming at the mouth, out from their cocoons and damn well lay them end to end. We could even arrange them into an attractive pattern, call it art, get a grant and win a prize. It's worth a try. And we have nothing to lose except the dignity, and possibly the sanity, of a few tortured souls.

So if you're a blogger, and you've just heard someone knocking on the door - that's us.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Tapping progress on the shoulder and saying, 'Get the hell out of the way."

ps.
Don't forget - come back tomorrow for Celebrity Friday (unless you've lost your mind in a horrific end-to-end-art disaster).

Default Democracy

2007-02-07T20:47:00.000Z

The man who never made a mistake, probably never made anything.

The man who never made anything but mistakes, probably made it into high public office.

Its incredible isn't it? Where do we get them from?

There is a simple answer. When trouble hurtles towards us at eye-level, there is bound to be someone who is just too stupid to duck. He gets to wear the 'I'm in charge' badge for a while.

There is also bound to be people who were so smart, they spotted the trouble and so were the first to hit the deck. They get to crawl around the first guy's feet, picking up the things he's blundered into and generally telling him what to do and what to say. We don't often get to see these smart people, because they're just too damn clever.

And then there's the people who were worried that there might be trouble, so spent the whole time with their eyes shut. They represent 99% of the population.

The guy with the badge needs this 99% to keep their eyes shut.

The smart ones on the floor don't care what the 99% does, because whatever happens, everyone will blame the guy with the badge.

Eventually, as people open their eyes, they see the badge -wearer for the buffoon he is. At which point, trouble comes hurtling towards them at eye-level and the whole process begins again.

We give you: Democracy.

Invented by clever people,
carried out by buffoons.

Until tomorrow,
We are sincerely,

T4td Corp.
In your dreams.

Help Yourself

2007-02-06T20:31:00.000Z

Self-help books - the great oxymoron of our time.

It seems to us that if you really need to buy a book and follow its instructions, then the one thing you are totally incapable of, is helping yourself. Which, no doubt, is why the people who buy these things, always have a shelf full at home. Apparently, they would rather shell out for more and more of these books than admit the awful truth to themselves - that they are hopeless fools.

And when they fear that others might be sneering at their fifty page a day axiom habit, they try to palm off their old copies on friends and family. They call this 'enrolling', which translates into, 'Hey I'm useless, but perhaps, if I can get you to be useless too, then maybe you'll turn out to more useless than me, and I'll be superior."

The whole thing is a shallow and manipulative racket,

so naturally, we have plans to bring you:

A4td - Axiom 4 the Day!

Simply sign one waiver, a disclaimer, a couple of indemnities and a credit card slip and you too could have the power of our staff 'Life Coaches' at your disposal. With wit and pith, nerve and verve, duck and dive, shake, rattle and roll, we will transform your life into a tower of gleaming loveliness.

Why help yourself, when we can do it for you?

In fact, we've already signed you up, so you need take no further action.

Just lay back on the couch, open a beer, order a pizza with extra walrus grease and you'll soon be at the zenith of human perfection.

Here's to a new you.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
We think so you don't have to.

Proverbial Nonsense

2007-02-05T21:01:00.000Z

How pleasant to do nothing,
and then rest a while.
Spanish Proverb

Now, we know what you're thinking - not least because of the brain implant we popped into your cerebral cortex when you were asleep last night. Sorry if that itches by the way. And sorry if your nose is a bit runny - we have to get in somewhere. And sorry if you're experiencing blinding headaches, intensely colourful hallucinations, night terrors, and vivid flashbacks to strange encounters with men in white suits. Oh, and the intercranial bleeding and/or sudden death. These side-effects are all part of the intense experience that is T4td Corp's new Internal Tracking products (or IT (TM) for short). Don't worry, it will be worth it - for us anyway.

Where were we? Ah yes. You were thinking that we were indulging in cheap racial stereotyping and suggesting that our Spanish friends are less than industrious. Actually - no. We just don't do that sort of thing because it just isn't British. How dare you even suggest it? The very idea makes me so emotional that my moustache almost quivered. Good day to you sir!

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Daring you to try something.

ps.
Also, we'd like to say sorry if you're running a temperature and generally feeling lousy. That's nothing to do with us - you've just got the flu.

It's That Time Again

2007-02-02T16:56:00.000Z

For...
Celebrity Friday

Hooray.

This week's celebrity is a very special sportsperson.

Her name is Imelda and she's the Over 65's female pole vaulting champion for Northwest Slough.

Here's her Celebrity T4td:

If at first you don't succeed then pop down a few anabolic steroids and have another go. That's what got me where I am today. And what gave me this luxuriant beard. And the five heart attacks I've had. This week. But anyway, it was all worth it for all the fame and attention that I get - in Northwest Slough. I've even been asked to write my autobiography. That's a sort of book apparently, but I'm not sure what it's got to be about. Pole vaulting I suppose. Which is great because I know the secret trick of pole vaulting, known only to a few experts such as myself - it's this: don't let go of the pole until you've gone over the bar.

Well, that's it for T4td for another week. We're off on a training course this weekend. It's called Extreme Creative Accountancy. We were told to bring paper, a calculator and an assault rifle so it should be exciting. See you next week.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Tell your friends - save us the trouble.

Warming to the Idea

2007-02-01T20:33:00.000Z

Global Warming - not necessarily a bad thing.

Simply take advantage of the warmer weather by turning your heating down. That way you'll use less energy, emit less CO2, and the whole thing will eventually even out.

Alternatively, and this is our preferred course of action, simply pick any high inland location, say 20 miles from the coast, and start building beachfront properties. Similarly, you could purchase an unwanted, barren and blighted northern area and start planting pineapple trees. Our Scottish banana plantation is well underway. The added advantage is that it's one in the eye for those people who keep moaning about 'foodmiles'.

And anyway, who made more money last year, Exon Mobil or that guy who cycles to work everyday at the organic healthfood shop?

Exactly.

So we say, OK to CO2.

CO2 - if it's good enough for the plants to breathe, it's good enough for us.

CO2 - good for business.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
Our Mission is Emission.

Please note: We're now taking advance orders for our Newfoundland Chablis.
Residents on major floodplains can take advantage of our special offer - buy a case of wine, get a free inflatable life raft (pump available at extra cost).

Middle of the Road

2007-01-31T16:35:00.000Z

He who stands in the middle of the road
gets hit by traffic from both directions.

This is a plea against mediocrity. We used to hate mediocrity, but now we just think, 'Well it's not too bad really, it could be worse, we shouldn't complain.'

There is, after all, a plethora of evidence that mediocrity is rewarded. Celebrities, politicians, soap operas, food, fashions - it seems that the more mediocre these things are, the greater the demand.
T4td Corp. is never slow to respond to your needs. We are planning a new service:

Make me Mediocre! (TM)

All you have to do is pay the entry fee and send us your credit card (no, not the number, the actual card - we've already got the number) and our team of Mediocrity Makers (Tm) will visit you to carry out your Mediocre Makeover (TM). We'll ruthlessly strip away any annoyingly worthwhile aspects of your life and replace them with slightly duller alternatives. Before you know it, you'll be presenting a reality TV show or accepting political office - guaranteed*.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
If you've got it in you, we'll strip it out.

*This is clearly not true, but just said for effect. You might end up drinking meths and eating out of dustbins (trashcans) for all we know, but that wouldn't sound too good.

NB The word 'trashcan' was automatically translated for out American customers at a small-ish extra charge. Have a nice day now.

Second Life

2007-01-30T04:27:00.000Z

Life can be hard
but it isn't so bad
when you consider the alternative.

And you thought this was going to be about 'Second Life'. No, it's just the second posting on the subject of life. We're not going to say too much about Second Life just yet, because T4td Corp. is still working on plans to capitalise on its success. So far, our Advance Marketing Division has predicted the following:

1) Some kind of horror-hybrid of reality TV and second life. Closely followed by
2) a fad for detoxing people from second life and then
3) reality TV about detoxing people from second life and then
4) celebrity second life followed by
5) celebrity second life detox bootcamp and so on...

Watch this space for future products and services.

As ever,
Sincerely,
T4td Corp.
The future - when we're good and ready.

Life

2007-01-29T21:02:00.000Z

Life - interesting in parts but no substitute for the real thing.

Today's thought is shamelessly lifted from the work of the late Douglas Adams.

T4td Corp is all about substitues for the real thing. After all, 'the real thing' often involves achievements and all the hard work that goes into them. Hard work is vastly over-rated and frankly, very last century. But what really apalls us about 'the real thing', is that it is usually free. We just can't have that sort of thing. The entire economy of the planet depends on us wanting things that are NOT free. If we all start hankering over free things, like love and trust and self-worth, the whole system will come toppling down and we'll all end up living in teepees in Wales - laughing, sticking flowers in our hair and occasionally breaking out into close harmony singing. It's all too much. Someone get me a bottle of fizzy mineral water and a plastic cup - and there'll be trouble if it's biodegradeable.

Sorry about that little outburst. T4td Corp. strives to maintain a professional approach at all times. To compensate you, we will not charge you for this post

until tomorrow. By which time, the fee will have attracted a handling charge, a late payment fee, an overdue charge (and no, that's not the same thing) and there will, of course, be interest to pay.

Ah. Our sensors show an increase in your blood pressure. Please try to remain calm.

Until tomorrow,
Best wishes,

T4td Corp.
Watching, always watching.

ps - blood pressure monitoring service provided at extra cost.

Celebrity Friday

2007-01-26T16:11:00.000Z

Welcome to our new feature:
Celebrity Friday!

Could this mean... gasp
... that T4td Corp... whimper
...could get a celebrity to write a post every Friday?

Yes, T4td Corp leads the way, once again.

And could it be... moan in anticipation
...someone World famous ?

Erm.

Like Sting or Beckham or one of the Clintons?

No.

In fact, at T4td Corp, we take a dim view of famous celebrities, and prefer to promote real of-the-people people - the sort of grass-roots, brass tacks, sons of the soil people that make the Internet what it is today. Apart from anything else, they're cheaper.

So, without further ado, let us introduce to you, this week's Celebrity Friday Thinker....

Leo. Leo is 59 and he has spent his whole life frying fish in the North of England. He doesn't have a job, he just likes to fry fish. They're not even his fish, and this has given him a certain notoriety amongst the aquarium keeping community. And here is his Thought 4 the Day:

I blame the Government. If they were coins there'd be a face on both sides. Do you want some fish - they're guppies?

Well, that was terrific.
We're off to a tax exile for the weekend, but join us on Monday for your Thought 4 the Day.

Sincerely,
T4td Corp.

Charging by the millisecond.